This is not a review of the year 2014, and what I did from January 1st to this moment; still less is it an outline of what I intend to do in 2015. I’m not someone who makes New Year’s resolutions– my problems and questions have deep roots, and facile promises to myself aren’t going to shift any of them.
No, I am taking a brief moment to reflect on what 2014 has meant to me and my writing, before the year goes away completely (here in Seattle, that means I have about half an hour). I feel, somehow, the need to put a frame around it.
2014 was probably not the most difficult year of my life so far. But it is up there.
I won’t bore you with tales of unemployment, under-employment, minor health issues, and relationship problems. No, what stands out most painfully for me is that this year is the year my confidence in my own writing (never monumental in the first place) took perhaps the biggest hit it has ever suffered– a Long Lance torpedo right amidships.
My self-publishing effort is a failure, at least in terms of sales. I started out with self-publishing three years ago, and the whole process since has been one of disillusionment. I no longer hold out much hope of attracting a major audience by this means.
On top of that, I spent most of the year suffering major flailure with Princess of Fire, from which I may only now be recovering. My writing in general this year has seemed flat and amateurish. There were several points at which I had to fight off the urge to un-publish everything I have on Amazon, close this blog and walk away. And just to put a cherry on everything, I announced that I would engage in a year-end writing surge, a project which now strongly resembles an egg dripping down a brick wall.
In the end I didn’t un-publish my stories, and obviously the blog staggers onward. As poor as my writing seems to be, it’s about all I have to offer the world at this point. I firmly believe that if I have any hope of yet accomplishing something with my life, it is intimately tied to my finally learning how to write, and writing things people want to read. It just appears that I will have to keep on trying, and pray for the light to know what to write, and how to write it.
Pray and write. I guess that’s a resolution, after all.
Happy New Year.